We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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