I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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