Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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