don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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