Yo dont text me then not text me
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize