u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
