Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
her facebook's as public as her vagina
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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