the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Boobs are out for the taking
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
