if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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