mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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