By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize