I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
