So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
