Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
