Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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