grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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