Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
