Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
