I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
