can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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