So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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