Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
