He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Randomize
