mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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