she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
