Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
