remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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