i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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