Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
