Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
