I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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