I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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