oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
