watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
