I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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