Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
