So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize