if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
