so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
