Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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