when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
