I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I did not marry a roomba.
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