Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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