there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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