the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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