I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
