Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
