She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
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