We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
