i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
