Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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