I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
