I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
