i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
