I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
