I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
