Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
