I just made out with a guy for $7.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
