the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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