nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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