cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
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