literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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