Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
