Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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