bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
